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Alright .
It's been a long time since i've blogged .
I guess it has gotten old, yea ?
Now, I believe that truly nobody reads my blog anymore .
And I have an issue that's weighing down my mind ever since the previous night .
That's why I wanna blog about it .
Recently .. nah . Yesterday, I was on my way to my old secondary school .
I saw 3 people walking in the opposite direction .
One guy . One Girl, and her female bestie .
Here's the deal : The Girl, I used to love her wholeheartedly .
As we got nearer, somehow she went a different path as opposed to her bestie .
That's why I only managed to talk to her bestie, but not the Girl .
I got a message about an hour after, from the Girl .
See, she would never drop me a text .
So when she did, I thought that, " Yea, I could have always expect that from you ."
So what did she say in the text ?
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You didn't smile nor look at me .
I thought we were friends .
You could have told me if you wanted us to be strangers .
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Fuck it .
I was thinking hard .
I could have just replied her rashly, but I paused to think .
Even if I replied her, I wasn't ready to reply to her subsequent messages .
Because according to my knowledge of her, she would take it as an opportunity to sever friendship ties with me,
once and for all .
I've moved on .. but I wasn't ready to totally break it off with her .
A part of me, a huge part, still wants her badly .
That got me thinking .. Even till now, why do I still have this feeling for her ?
Really, why do I have feelings for her ?
I accepted that she broke my heart, because when a girl doesn't love you, she doesn't love you .
I can't just wallow in the fact .
I used to think that one sided love is foolish.
I guess i'm a fool, for having loved a girl for soo long, but not getting the feelings I had for her reciprocated .
So after 2 hours, I finally pressed that button , ' Send ' .
It took me a lot to press that button .
I decided to be sort of .. indifferent .
Turned out, we kinda replied each other once every 2 hours or so .
The conversation didn't last long, but every single text that we sent each other were .
She asked me whether I was angry with her .
It stuck me that I really don't know how to answer her .
A simple question yet I struggled to present an answer .
She told me this .
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I know I broke your heart .
I know I made you cry .
I was heartless for doing all that .
You have every reason to be angry with me, even hate me .
I can still feel the sense of guilt whenever I see you .
You don't understand how much it hurts me knowing how much I hurt your feelings .
All the more it makes me feel miserable .
Whenever I read the last letter you gave me, I end up crying .
I find myself bitchy in many ways .
I don't know how to make it up to you .
I have been constantly thinking about you .
I have always wondered how you are doing and all .
You have made such a big impact in my life, such that the guilt is killing me from inside .
I'm sorry Shahrul .
It has always been my fault .
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Dear Girl,
I have never seen you at fault .
My heart aches terribly, but I have never blamed you for that .
Instead, I took it to my stride and learn from it .
That in the game of love, one can get gravely hurt .
Moody was my mood after that incident, if not sad .
One thing perplexes me .
Even a guy like me can get confused ..
Like you said, I have every reason to hate you and be angry at you .
To not look at you .
To find disgust in a girl who toyed with my feelings .
But the thing is, Why do I not feel all those which I mentioned towards you ?
Am I just forgiving, or is it that I still love you ?
That was the reason why I told you in my last text to postpone the conversation that we were having at 2 in the morning .
I told you that I won't suppress my thought and feelings for you, but I just can't bring myself to say it at that moment .
I couldn't .
I wanted to .
But I couldn't .
I wasn't ready to have the entire conversation with you .
Why does things strike me all of a sudden ?
Like the time when you left me ..
Like whatever that you were telling me yesterday .
I struggled to get myself back up when the fact slapped me in the face hard .
Yea, things are somewhat awkward .
But we should put it aside to communicate with each other .
.. That's why I want to make things clear, given this opportunity that God has given me .
That God has given us .
They say that its best to leave certain things unsaid, as they'd be the ones felt greatly .
I wanna tell you a lot of things .
Just like how I did when I wrote that Last Letter to you .
But would it all be worth it ?
Because from the way I see it, you don't love me dear Boo .
You don't seem to love me .
Why do I love someone soo much when the other party doesn't love me .
Am I like a saint ?
Hey listen, I wanna let you know .
Know some things .. which I have been deliberating on whether should you know about it or not .
Would it even make a difference if I tell you about it .
Would it bring us any closer if I let it out in the open .
Dear Boo, I miss you gravely .
I feel like I need you .
I want to love you .
I've went with other girls ever since, but I can't help thinking about you .
What is it with you, I wonder .
I literally think about you every day .
I did the things I do, because I love you .
Loving you have made me into a more likable character, TO MYSELF .
They say that it hurts to see someone you love with another person .
I didn't want to assume things, but my body totally felt different when I saw you with that guy .
I ain't saying he's the guy you like or in love with, but I can't help feeling pricked in the heart .
I really want you to love me .
I really want you to want me .
But I don't and I won't force you .
I won't even coerce you .
If I want you to love me, I want you to love me wholeheartedly .
If I want you to be my lady, I want you to love me genuinely .
If I want you to want me, I want you to need me .
I wanna be your soldier, your friend, your lover .
I wanna be the one you have quarrels with .
I wanna be the one to comfort you .
I wanna be the one you run to .
I wanna be the body that you call Your guy .
If you don't love me, I shall not force it .
I won't control things that I deem shouldn't .
One can't force love .
I'll take it as my own fault for even loving you in the first place .
I wanna be your boyfriend .
I want you to be my girlfriend .
I'm always trying to work it out . You know it .
It's just that every single word that i've typed here ... I don't know how to tell it to you .
I don't want you to leave again .
I'm afraid that if I say something wrong, everything is over .
Really girl, I don't wanna mess this up .
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